It’s been FIVE YEARS since I posted anything to this blog. As COVID spread through the states and businesses and schools went into lockdown, so much changed about how people understood themselves. We started spending more time enjoying or suffering our own company, and it led to new hobbies and new perspectives on what’s important and who we are apart from the world.

The original purpose of this blog was to share my journey into womanhood, and I’ll say, I got pretty far. As someone who was a tomboy my whole life, I remember the early days of exploring my feminine side. My own mother said, ” Who are you?” because I was so completely different from the boyish kid she raised. I remember telling her that the world didn’t like the person I was before and if I wanted any kind of career and future, I needed to be more presentable. Honestly, it was working. I was having fun, because people liked this new version of me. I seemed to be having fun, and honestly, it was a lot of fun.

The problem was that person was just another mask. I liked being able to use the bright colors, because color is a stim for me, so makeup and colorful clothing was a fun means of expression. I was seeing more men exploring makeup and making a name for themselves in the industry, and it was very inspiring. Then as we went into lockdown, I didn’t really have anywhere to dress up for. I wasn’t home all the time, but my job had drastically limited our hours and contact with the outside world. My friend circle that I used to see sometimes weekly had turned to online meet-ups.

Dreams that I’d been having for years started happening more frequently and leaving me more depressed. I would dream that I was a man, and it would be so wonderful. It felt like the most normal thing in the world to me, and I wasn’t even anything special. Just a regular, boring guy. Then I would wake up and have that taken away, and all the color would be gone from my life for a week.

I remembered the first time I found out about women transitioning to men. I thought “Yes! I want that!” but at the time (this was around 2000) I thought the first and most important step would be bottom surgery, which seemed prohibitively expensive. Also, I’m mostly attracted to men, and men were already mostly attracted to the body I already had. I resigned myself to womanhood, even though I wasn’t very good at it. It took years, but I finally learned.

During lockdown, I started learning more and more about people who had gone through hormone replacement therapy and the changes that just that one step had brought them. It was amazing. I was so envious of their happiness and progress. I finally couldn’t wait any longer and found a doctor to help me. In July 2020, I took my first testosterone injection.

This blog is going to take a new direction as I share with you my journey so far, and the joys and struggles of being transmasculine in the US today. I hope any of my original followers will not see this as an unwelcome disruption, but an opportunity to experience something they may not have sought to understand before.

Thank you for staying or joining!