It has been a very long time since I’ve posted anything on the subject of mental health. That’s not to say I haven’t had anything eventful, but my most stressful times have also been the busiest times. I’ve stayed on my anxiety pills pretty consistently, save for a couple days when I needed to get my refill and couldn’t get to the pharmacy. Those were definitely times that I needed the pills too, so from now on I’m picking up my refills the week before I need them. A packed schedule is no time to be off anxiety pills.
I’ve also learned some things about myself that I hadn’t realized before. My self-worth had a lot to do with the vehicle I was driving. For years now, I’ve just known it to be true, there was no way in hell I could afford to have a vehicle better than the truck I’d been driving since ’03 (which was already 8 years old at that time). I was afraid to have anything that didn’t have a bed for moving furniture, because I never felt secure where I was living. I didn’t try to fix my hair in the summer, because the A/C didn’t work so I’d have to keep the windows down (and forget makeup, it would melt right off). I even kept the crack in the windshield from the night my ex kicked me out of our house. I was driving to my mom’s house with as much stuff as I could fit in the truck, and a semi flung a rock at me. I partially kept the crack because I was too nervous about contacting the insurance company, and partially because I felt like I deserved it.

The truck has had a number of problems, and every time something went wrong, I went to my mom’s boyfriend for help. It just seemed to be happening more frequently. I felt embarrassed to have so much trouble that I tried to solve the issues myself. When the glass fell off the passenger side mirror, I learned how to replace the mirrors and ordered a set on eBay. Things were going great until I stripped one of the nuts holding the mirror on and had no way to remove it. Eventually, I pieced the broken glass back together with gorilla tape and just settled with having a broken mirror. The inside handles stopped working, and since I’d already failed at trying to replace the mirror, I didn’t feel like attempting the handles. My boyfriend and I rolled the windows down to let ourselves out for months. Soon, the left rear blinker stopped working due to a busted terminal, and short of replacing the entire plug, there was nothing I could do. I planned all my trips around town for as few left turns as possible, and stayed off main roads where I knew cops would be patrolling.

Hey, remember when I sliced my finger open taping the mirror back together?

Or that time the truck was making that burning smell and the fuel gauge couldn’t get it up?

And then we found out that the burning smell was this pulley whose bearings had gone to crap?

This is how things went, and I knew my budget didn’t allow for even a decent used vehicle. The roof of the cab was even starting to rust, which was horribly apparent from our upstairs apartment. I became a reflection of my truck, unable to make trips out of town, hiding in backroads to avoid trouble, feeling anxious at all times.
It was no small wonder that when I was able to work out a deal for the Jeep, I felt a tremendous weight had been lifted. I felt more confident in all aspects of my life. I still feel like I drive the vehicle I deserve, but that it was time for me to reevaluate my self-worth. The truck is enjoying a happy retirement back on the farm where she started, and she’s getting all kinds of improvements under the care some someone with the right tools for the job. I enjoy driving again. I’ll take any excuse to go out in the Jeep. In fact, we went to the city earlier this month, and I felt completely confident navigating in Saturday traffic. It’s amazing how much of my self image was tied to what I was driving.